


This is the End

by galaxystardust



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Emotional, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22378339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxystardust/pseuds/galaxystardust
Summary: Jim wants to try to make Spock better, but unfortunately Jim is exactly what's making Spock sick.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	This is the End

One of the main differences between the way that Humans and Vulcans experience emotions is that Humans feel it in their bodies with changes in their body chemistry and hormonal balance. Vulcans do not. Vulcans experience what humans would call emotion without any physical reaction. Their mental disciplines train them to process and understand their feelings in a way that seems like they are not feeling at all. Technically for a Vulcan there is nothing to feel. Emotion is an intellectual exercise. 

There are so few Vulcans with mixed ancestry and very little knowledge about their physiology. Doctors and healers knew to expect irregularities and sometimes very strange and unexpected things happened. The first hint that something was wrong was when Spock showed up in sick bay with serotonin poisoning. Mild and annoying, but treatable. Spock and Jim had been involved for some time already with no problems so the whole event was disregarded as some weird Vulcan thing. Over time it became necessary for Spock to regularly take the necessary drugs as a preventative because it was happening more often. Problem solved for the time being. 

It wasn’t long before other strange symptoms started. Rashes, allergies, flu-like symptoms, dizziness, nausea, fatigue. The Vulcan physiology didn’t have a way to process the human chemical emotional changes. Spock and Jim had been living together for a while now, and Jim was becoming increasingly concerned. After an in depth consult with Dr. M’benga, one of the few human doctors that specialized in Vulcan medicine, the doctor referred him to a Vulcan healer instead of prescribing a new course of treatment. A healer. Not a Vulcan doctor. Not a doctor on Vulcan. A Vulcan healer. Humans would call the Vulcan healers spiritual healers, but they were no such thing. They were closer to psychologists, but Vulcan psychology looked like magic to humans. There were no more medical options. 

Spock avoided contacting the Vulcan healer that Dr. M’benga referred him to, and instead focused on his own meditations and the discipline practices he learned as a child. Spock finally started using all his off-duty time and vacation hours instead of taking work home with him. He needed all the time he could get to spend in meditation. He also took time away from Jim. Jim, his darling Jim, was incredibly patient during this time. Spock slept on the floor in his meditation room for three months before returning to the bed he shared with Jim. 

Spock wanted to do this slowly as a test of his will. He waited for Jim to be asleep before sliding into to his own side of the bed. He did not embrace Jim and instead slept with his back to him. He did not allow the human emotional flood to be triggered and handled it like a Vulcan. 

“Spock? Spock wake up.” Jim spoke softly into Spock’s ear without touching him or alarming him. Spock had overslept. He opened his eyes to the smiling face of his beloved bondmate. 

“I apologize.” 

“No Spock, don’t. Just get ready for your shift.” The two of them had agreed to adjust their shifts so that they wouldn’t be spending so much time working together while Spock was having this problem. Jim worked the earlier shift. Spock would come relieve him of duty and take the second shift at the command console. Spock had slept through the entire day. 

“Spock, if you want to go to sick bay I will call in a replacement for you. I hate seeing you like this,” Jim was distinctly worried. 

“No Jim. I’ll make an appointment with the Vulcan healer. I did everything I could think to try, but…”

“Don’t worry. I can arrange for some extended leave. We can take you to Vulcan if necessary. Maybe just your own private quarters. Spock. Please just call the healer. I’ll do anything to help you.” Jim tried to be reassuring but Spock knew Jim was anxious. 

“Yes, captain.” Spock slowly moved to dress for the day. He did feel better and more clear, but was still obviously unwell. 

The Vulcan healer was a part of Starfleet and at one of the busier Starfleet space stations. There were a number of Vulcan healers in Starfleet, but almost all were stationed on Vulcan ships. It would be simple for the Enterprise to stop at the space station and allow the crew some shore leave. Jim didn’t think much of it. Some shore leave and Spock would be healed and everything would be good again. 

The healer saw them together first and then Spock alone for several sessions. At the end of shore leave Spock returned to the ship and returned to his meditation room. 

“What happened Spock? What did the healer say?” 

“I must try this on my own. Please pardon me if I do not come to you for some time.”

“Do you need your own quarters, Spock?” Jim spoke with such love and concern. His eyebrows raised and his lips softly parted. Jim would sacrifice anything for Spock.

“No,” Spock did not hesitate but did not turn to look at Jim either.

“Ok, good night.”

“Thank you.”

The two of them went on like this for the rest of the tour of duty. Spock was efficient and loyal on duty, but rarely returned to their shared bed. At some point they started up their chess games again, but never returned to their previous level of physical contact. Most of their time together was spent working. It suited them. This was how their relationship started and Jim was exceptionally happy to still have Spock by his side. He still gave Spock that look of love when work was going well. Spock was still obviously unwell, but maybe only Jim noticed that. 

One night Spock came to bed before Jim was completely asleep. He spooned Jim and reached over to mind meld with him. Jim jolted awake but Spock was gone by then. It had been amazing to have Spock hold him again. He was aware that Spock would be returning to Vulcan after their tour of duty. There would be no invitation for Jim to join him at that time. 

Spock was nowhere to be found. It was his off duty day and the meditation room door was closed. Jim was concerned that Spock might be unwell and suffering after their extended physical contact and mind meld. Normally they didn’t schedule their off duty days together and so Jim had to call in his other commanders to cover his shift today. He couldn’t leave until he knew Spock was ok.

Jim was right. Spock was not ok. He was vomiting. It was worth it though. Spending the night holding Jim was worth this suffering. All of his illness had been worth it. If he was not a Starfleet officer he would have just let himself die in order to stay in Jim’s arms. That was ridiculous of course and Jim would never let that happen. Spock calmed himself and went out of the meditation room to get some tea. 

Jim was there. Jim was not on the bridge. Jim was in the room. Spock couldn’t resist the magnetic pull to hold Jim again. He used every trick he knew to remain calm, but Jim began to cry softly on Spock’s shoulder. 

“Are you ok?”

Are YOU ok? Spock, I’ve been worried about you all morning.” Jim sniffled away the rest of his tears and gave Spock some space. Spock had taken double his normal dose of emotional suppression medicines so he pulled Jim back in closer. 

“Everything is going to be ok. On Vulcan I will participate in some advanced practices and it will cure this problem.” 

“Ok,” Jim accepted this explanation without realizing that what Spock meant was that he was going to Vulcan to purge all emotion, kohlinar. It could be a long process, but after that emotion would no longer even be an intellectual experience. Anything even remotely emotional would be a purely logical experience. He would be cured of this disabling human experience, but also he would not feel love for Jim. He wasn’t sure of he would ever be able to see Jim again or what their relationship would be like after that. There was no other way. The Vulcan healer was right. Spock could meditate constantly but without more specific training at the Vulcan monastery he would not have the tools to heal the physiological problems.

It was over. It had to be over. Both agreed, but also disagreed. Both knew it was necessary and both loved each other enough to let it happen. Spock’s Vulcan physiology could not handle human emotions and so he had to stop loving Jim. Jim didn’t understand what was happening, but he was willing to comply with anything that would make Spock better, even if it meant separation. Jim knew through their bond that whatever was happening was the right thing to do. Spock had never known someone so completely trusting and he regretted having to leave this rare precious radiant being that was his Jim. 

Spock never even considered breaking their bond, just as he never considered getting separate quarters. He spent their last few days sleeping in the bed rather than the meditation room. It wasn’t so bad really. The symptoms were manageable, assuming he took a higher dose of the meds. It was just a matter of time before the symptoms would break through again but by then he would be safely on Vulcan in the monastery. It was what the Vulcan healer had recommended but it was advice that Spock ignored until he was convinced that there really were no other options.

The kohlinar. Purging all emotion and pursuing pure logic. Surely there would be some logic in returning to Jim after this process.


End file.
